


You can come in (not running away)

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: All/No Talk [10]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Alexithymia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Sex, Anxiety Attacks, Billy Bones childhood, Billy Bones is skittish as fuck, Charles Vane is a patient man, Childhood Memories, Comfort, Crying, Emotional Baggage, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, Fear, First Time Together, Friendship, Guilt, Healing progress, Homesickness, John Silver is a psychologist, Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miranda Barlow is a psychiatrist, Ned Low is not a psychopath but a man in grief, New Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Sexual Content, Social Anxiety, Therapy, progress - Freeform, psychiatric ward, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:20:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9001438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: A follow-up to "Just as terrified as you (talking optional)", "Alone in my chaos (pretty serious)", "All that exist (hardly ever comfortable)","Work in progress (God's little experiment)", "Never good enough (greedy demon)", "Tell me about him (a beacon in the darkness)", "Come, taste my emptiness" (strange is the new normal), "Letting him near (she's right)" and "The strangest thing (let the storm rage on)" about Charles Vane and Billy Bones and their strange relationship. I recommend you read the other parts before this. We're going SLOW and there is both angst, sweetness and confused feelings.In this part, there'll be more about Billy's background and a leave to go home over the day with Charles :)There will be another part. I realise I maybe should've put it in one piece with different chapters, but I didn't know where it was going and definately not that it would be this long, so you need to see this as CHAPTER 10, rather than part 10.Comments are always appreciated :)





	

”He used to spank me a lot. To make me talk.”  
”Did you talk?”  
”No.”  
  
First it was the hand over the clothes. When it didn’t work, it was the bare skin. When it didn’t work either, it was the belt. And it never worked.  
  
”A lot of people still believe in spanking.”  
”You don’t?”  
”Not at all. It has no good impact in the long run, it only makes you fear punishment and it doesn’t work with our natural way of avoiding danger. You burn your hand in the fire and you learn quickly that it hurts you. But spanking isn’t a natural consequense of anything, actually, and to a child it only inserts insecurity. As you said yourself, you didn’t talk.”  
  
No, he didn’t. And he didn’t scream or cry either. The memories are more painful than he thought. His siblings got spanked too, but not like that. Not that often.  
  
”If I’d only talked…”  
”It was still wrong. Even if it’d made you talk, it’s still not good to hit kids.”  
”Didn’t hit me, it was only spanking.”  
”Is there a difference?”  
”Well… yeah, of course.”  
”So if I go home and slap my husband, it’s not abuse?”  
”Kids need spanking.”  
”Because it worked so well with you? It made you talk, behave, laugh and obey, right? Built you up, made you separate right from wrong?”  
”Stop it…”  
”Did it help a five, ten or fifteen years old Billy to trust people? To come to his mom or dad with problems?”  
”Please don’t…”  
”Or did it only make him more silent? More scared and lonely?”  
  
He’s always assumed they did their best. That he was a difficult child. Everyone said he was. Not naughty or bad, but difficult. Defiant. Not as other kids. Abnormal.  
  
”Billy? Is it a painful memory?”  
  
He nods. Never really figured it was. Wasn’t like he was the only one getting his ass whooped, and he can only imagine what Charles’ life has looked like in that regard, but Charles isn’t Billy. Charles is an extrovert, someone who can be defiant without end up being trapped in his own head. Spanking in any form has never worked on them. Never. It has only made them more keen on keeping their minds to themselves, to find out ways to avoid it.  
  
”I know that the law states it’s legal to hit children if it’s ’reasonable’, but in what way is it reasonable to hurt a child in a way that would be illegal to do to an adult? Spanking doesn’t teach you right from wrong, it only makes you fear pain and humiliation. Makes you want to avoid it. In your case, I would say your parents put you in an impossible situation. You became more afraid of talking than spanking and it lead to a very vicious circle.”  
  
Vicious circle. Dad practically begging him to talk. _Don’t force me to take of my belt again, Billy. I don’t know what to do with you anymore. This is just hopeless. You’re fucking hopeless._  
  
Of course he was. Didn’t cry, didn’t scream for a start. Pain has never made him scream, it doesn’t seem to work that way with him. So the spankings only increased, until it was way far from what would be considered reasonable even for people who thought spankings were good. The only effect it had, was Billy skipping showers in school gymnastics and spending more time with Hal.  
  
The time with Hal really is the one thing from his childhood, that makes Billy feel even close to happy. The quite harsh, but very kind old bachelor who never made a fuss about his silence. The one person that didn’t yell, scold, shook his head, glared, sighed or nagged at him all the time. Billy only had to knock on his door and know that unless the man was out, he would be let in. He could crouch up in the armchair and read book after book, sometimes from the library, sometimes from Hal’s bookshelves. In the background, Hal either made some housework, digged in his garden or sat down with a book himself in the sofa.  
  
Hal somehow knew when Billy didn’t want to go home, he never asked and certainly never told him to leave. He made him tea, set the table for two and in some mysterious way, Billy’s parents never came to get him. Like they were happy to get some space between them, because when Billy eventually came back home, they never talked about it. The older he got, the more nights he spent in that chair. Crouched. Stayed the night, fell asleep just like that and Hal just draped a blanket around him, tucked a pillow under his head and stroked his hair a little.  
  
”He just let me be…”  
  
He doesn’t know why it’s suddenly possible to talk about this, to tell this secret no one but Charles has ever heard him speak about. To talk about the chair, the books, that Hal tucked him in and just…  
  
”Accepted you.”  
  
John hands him a packet of tissues. Billy is hardly aware of what he has told the man, or that he’s crying. He just feels completely frayed up, like he’s been through a workout and didn’t stop in time.  
  
”When was the last time you had contact with anyone in your family?”  
”Years ago. When I moved. Applied for a literature course in York in secret and I got in. I had saved almost all my money from the part time works I had. Hid them under a loose plank in my bedroom floor and no one found out I had them. So, when they kicked me out, they didn’t know I had a plan. Turned eighteen some months after the graduation and the last time I spent at home, I worked sorting mails and cleaning and stuff. Mom made a calculation on how much I costed in a month, with food, electricity and the room, so I sort of paid rent.”  
”Were they poor?”  
”No. Wasn’t about the money. They just couldn’t kick me out before I was eighteen without getting into trouble, so I guess they just wanted to make a point. Was old enough to pay for myself, anyway.”  
”You were? A sixteen, seventeen year old kid with severe anxiety problems? Who didn’t talk, didn’t have friends?”  
”I had Hal. But not that late, of course. He moved when I was fourteen or something.”  
”Where did you go when they kicked you out?”  
”I was prepared for it, in a way. Had the money under my clothes and only packed things I knew they wouldn’t argue about. Some clothes, school books and stuff like that. So on my birthday I was ready. Showed them the letter from the university and they just… told me to get my things and then drove me to the station. When they dropped me of I actually talked.”  
”What did you say?”  
”Thanks for the ride, or something. Dad gave me money for the ticket but I didn’t take them. He said if I didn’t take them, I shouldn’t count on any help from them in the future.”  
”But you didn’t take them?”  
”I actually did. And then I shoved them in a road well, while my parents looked.”  
  
***  
  
Charles looks worried and Billy understands. The therapy sessions always makes him tired, but today he’s downright exhausted. And red-eyed. He doesn’t recall leaving John’s room or having lunch, but he guess he has. After all, he’s sitting on his bed and is allowed a visit, but he’s too tired to stand up. Charles comes to sit on the bed.  
  
”Billy? Are you alright, babe?”  
  
Too tired. Too fucking tired, but besides that, he guess he is. Alright. Billy manage to make a small smile and reach for his hand. Charles gets his legs up, comes closer and opens up his arms and Billy leans into them, as easy as pressing a button.  
  
Charles is strong. Charles is warm and safe. His arms lock the world out, his scent brings calm to Billy’s exhausted mind. His silence, his steady breaths and the way he rests his lips against Billy’s neck creates a little space of soothing safety. Billy doesn’ want to cry, doesn’t even feel the need to, but his body isn’t listening. And Charles isn’t asking. They sit in silence, Charles’ only reaction the almost completely mute tears being the tight embrace, caring touches and shallow kisses on Billy’s nape.  
  
The man holding him in a silent embrace loves Billy. And Billy loves him. Almost five months after that day in the coffee shop and here they are. It’s still so strange, so not at all what you’re supposed to do together when you’re still newly in love. But somehow, this is just as much their lovestory as the coffee shop, the cinema, the kisses and the sex. These dealings with emotions that are new to them, that makes Billy’s inside shatter to pieces and Charles’ waiting to be let in. And while he waits, he fights the invisible demons by holding Billy’s body tight. When Billy’s stopped crying and his breath is calm again, Charles uses his shirt sleeve to dry his face.  
  
”They said we didn’t have to think about the time today. That guy, John Silver, he said I could stay over dinner if we want to.”  
”You… you want that?”  
”Of course I want to be with you, silly. Even if you should spend the whole time crying.”  
  
Billy can’t help but smile.  
  
”Want to be with you too…”  
”I’m not gonna ask you about the therapy, you know that, huh?”  
”Yeah… thanks. Just… Too tired to think right now.”  
”Then don’t think. Want to put on a movie or something?”  
  
He just nods. Charles takes the laptop from the sidetable and give it to him, but he can’t choose a movie right now and make a gesture to Charles.  
  
”Shall I pick one?”  
”Mhm.”  
  
He goes through the folder with movies.  
  
”Jackie Brown?”  
  
Thumbs up. It really doesn’t matter right now. They wont actually see it, just use it as a tool to cool down. Charles gets the movie going and drape the blanket over Billy’s knees. It’s a yellow hospital blanket and Billy suddenly thinks about his own bed with the patchwork cover, the pillows and the warm wollen blanket. His own room with his own furniture, colours and lace curtains. The tears are back in a heartbeat and they’re not calm. When his body starts shaking, Charles puts the laptop away.  
  
”You want to talk about it, babe?”  
”I just… miss my bed.”  
”Oh… Hey, come here, darling.”  
  
He rocks Billy’s shaking form, comforts him with his body, his preseance and soft words.  
  
”You wont be cooped up in here forever, you know. And your place is like the coziest I’ve ever seen in my life, so of course you’re missing it. _I’m_ missing it.”  
”You like pink wallpapers and lace?”  
”Don’t tell anyone but I fucking loved it.”  
”Not too gay, then?”  
  
It’s a joke, Charles gets that of course and he smiles against Billy’s neck.  
  
”I thought it was things like riding another man’s cock that made you gay, but I may be wrong. Believe me, my flat feels like a bachelor pad of the most boring sort in comparison to yours.”  
”They say that outgoing people more often look at their homes like a place to just eat, sleep and keep things in.”  
”That might be right. Anne is much more of an indoor person than Jack and she loves it when it’s cozy.”  
”How about you?”  
”Well… As I said, I love your flat, but I’ve lived in like… twenty places or so. I’ve never felt the urge to make it personal or anything.”  
”But you don’t think it’s silly or anything?”  
”Not at all. Oh, only if you have lots of stuff that will break if you touch it. That’s fucking stupid.”  
  
Billy laughs quietly through his tears.  
  
”No knick-knacks then.”  
”I just don't get the point in having something that just… stands.”  
”How about books?”  
”I wont pretend I’m a reader, I don’t even have any books, but at least that’s something you use. But little porcelain figures and shit, that’s just pointless.”  
”Not much for that either.”  
”Good. And don’t even get me started on stuffed animals.”  
”Never had any?”  
”Yeah, I did. Some teddybear or something when I was like five.”  
”Think it’s mostly girls who collects them. I always prefered real animals. Like cats, dogs and bunnies.”  
”You like bunnies?”  
”I’m a softie, you should know that by now.”  
”You are, and you’re a fucking badass too.”  
  
They both smile and Billy tilts his head into Charles’ throat.  
  
”Things like that… my home. It’s important to me…”  
”I understand that. You don’t have to explain it. I’m not used to it myself, but I have to admit it was kinda nice to wake up in your bed. At first I was like, ’where the fuck am I and how did I get here’.”  
”And then?”  
”Then I guess I got too occupied with the guy laying in the bed to think about lace anymore.”  
  
His eyes goes serious.  
  
”I long to sleep with you. I mean, not fucking but, fuck this… Yeah, of course I long for that too, but what I meant was, I want to sleep next to you.”  
”I want that too. Hate this fucking bed. Hate to fall asleep and wake up alone.”  
  
A small laughter again.  
  
”Imagine that, huh… Me wanting to actually share a bed. Some months ago, I’d probably passed out by the thought.”  
”You’ve come a long fucking way since.”  
”I guess I have.”  
”And me too.”  
  
Billy looks increadulous and Charles can’t fault him for that.  
  
”You know Jack and Anne, they’re my oldest friends and they’ve known me for years. If they say I’ve changed, I must have. And a while ago I met my ex.”  
”Eleanor?”  
”Yeah. Ran into her downtown and she asked what’s happened lately. So I told her I met a guy.”  
”She got surprised?”  
”She did, but it’s not like she didn’t knew I like guys too. Anyway, I wasn’t very nice to her when we ere together, so she has really no reason to think I’ve changed, but then she kind of insulted me and I got pissed.”  
”What did she say?”  
”That she hoped I was nicer to you than I was to her.”  
”Damn. Sounds like she’s a bit bitter.”  
”Not really and to be honest I was a jerk back then. So instead of being an asshole to her, I was nice and she actually wished me luck. Said I… Uhm… she said I loved you and when I said that I loved her once too, she just said ’not like this’. She wasn’t bitter, just surprised. And she was right.”  
”About what?”  
”That I love you way more than I ever loved her, or anyone for that matter.”  
  
It is true. What started off as curiosity has ended up in something closer to a real commitment than Charles has ever been before. He loves Billy hughly and no matter what the fear or angst tells Billy, Charles knows he loves him too. And love changes peoples. Billy swallows.  
  
”You know it’s not a straight path to recovery with this, right? That I can get better and then worse again?”  
”I’m aware of that. I know it’s not like the flu and that it can be jumpy. I’m not scared of that as long as I get to know where we stand. Or at least where we think we stand.”  
”What if you find out it’s different from what you expected?”  
”Isn’t it always?”  
  
Billy smiles again. He’s so tired, but not afraid. Charles’ body and mind support him without making him feel weak and useless. Billy sighs.  
  
”Will we fix this, Charles?”  
”Why wouldn’t we? We’ve been through shitty things before this, huh? And just because angst sucks, doesn’t mean we do.”  
  
***  
  
He’s not been home in weeks and it feels weird to get inside. To see the well-known furniture and colours. The dust. The dead plant in the window. The only thing missing to make it look like a dead mans place, is the pile of mails that isn’t laying on the floor, since the staff has brought it to him. Charles is waiting in the doorway.  
  
”You can come in, you know.”  
  
Billy likes that he’s waiting, thou. And when he shuts the door behind them, he takes off his shoes before walking further in and just waits… Billy’s about to cry again. It’s his first longer leave, from ten a.m. to five p.m. and he’s  back home with Charles who doesn’t just walk right in like it’s his place, but waits. The flat smells from lack of airing and Billy opens up the window.  
  
”You want tea?”  
”Sure. Need help?”  
”No, thanks.”  
  
Charles doesn’t snoop around. He leaves the bag in the hallway and takes another look at the bookshelves. He doesn’t touch them, but Billy can see he’s curious.  
  
”You can take them out if you want to have a closer look.”  
”Nah, don’t need to. But I’ll think about it.”  
  
Making tea in his own home, dusty or not, is just fantastic after so many weeks. While the kettle’s singing, he goes to his bedroom and open the window. Dusty or not, it’s still very cozy and he’s missed his bed so badly he throws himself at it and just lays there, looking up the roof.  
  
”Missed it?”  
  
Charles stands in the doorway, smiling. Billy just reaches out his hand for him to take and then drags him down. Kissing Charles in his own bed again, surrounded by the familiar things and knowing that it’s safe from people knocking on the bedroom door is nothing but sweetness. He swirls his legs around Charles’ waiste and they both moan from the touch. The jug kettle is ready, but tea isn’t what any of them wants right now.  
They rub their cocks against each other, kissing and grinding like horny teens. Charles is so hard against him, his cock big under the jeans fabric and the feeling from it makes Billy almost crazy with need. He wants this so bad, wants to come together again, to fuck or get fucked and he moans into Charles’ neck.  
  
”Please, fuck me, Charles.”  
”What…?”  
”You heard me.”  
  
Charles gaze is a little surprised, but he wants this just as much as Billy and he swallows.  
  
”You have supplies?”  
”Bedside table.”  
  
Charles opens it, finding lube and rubbers and he has to take a moment to digest this. That it’s actually happening. Billy sees his hesistance.  
  
”You don’t want to?”  
”More than anything but… are you sure?”  
”As sure as ever. You?”  
  
Charles answer is a wide smile before he dives down to kiss him again. Billy’s desperate to get their clothes off, to come closer and they tug their t-shirts off with shaky hands, feeling hot skin coming together and they have to catch breath a little, take a moment before continuing. They slip to their sides, facing each other while working off their pants and then Billy fists their cocks in his big hand, rubbing them together, precum smearing the shafts and his palm.  
  
”Fuck!”  
  
Charles almost shouts from it and all he can think of is how tight and hot Billy will be around him. How his pretty hole will clench and release around his cock while riding or laying spread out on the bed. He leans down to kiss him while pulling his thigh up on Charles’ hip. Charles wets a finger and strokes just over the perineum and Billy moans in response. It’s been so many years since he’s been fucked, but he’s opening up easily, much easier than he thought he would and it’s not long before Charles has worked him up to three fingers, stretching him open and he has to grab the base of his cock not to come too quickly.  
  
Billy swirls his legs around Charles’ hips, adds more lube as Charles opens up a condom and moments later, he’s pushing carefully against Billy’s rim, letting the heat engulf his cock and he hisses.  
  
”Holy fuck, you’re tight…”  
”It’s been years, Charles. Keep going.”  
  
He’s so tight it’s actually difficult for Charles to get any further and he leans down to kiss Billy, nibble and nuzzle until he relaxes and opens up enough for Charles to slide in all the way. He works up a slow pace, increasing it a little until Billy presses him down to his chest for a kiss, tucking him closer with his legs to get as much of him inside as possible and it feels incredible.  
  
He’s giving himself over in a way he’s not done in years even with alcohol as a protection. Everytime Charles hits his prostate, a shiver goes trough him and he’s amazed by how good it feels to be fucked again. He’s too lost in the sensation to be self-aware, too protected by the medicines to be afraid. All he knows is Charles’ hands, Charles’ cock, Charles’ eager kisses and moans. He slows down a little, lifting Billy’s hips even further up to get another angle that makes Billy shiver from every thrust. He’s squirming under Charles’ ministrations and the man leans down to his ear.  
  
”Wanna come, baby?”  
  
Honestly, he’d like to drag it out more, but he’s too far gone and there’s always the risk of overwhelming, so he nods and Charles replaces Billy’s hand with his own and works him over within seconds and it doesn’t take very long for Charles either. It’s almost embarressing and as they wind down, Billy mutters something about teenage speed, making his boyfriend laugh as he wipes them off with the tissues on the nightstand. It’s not been the best fuck any of them had, but it was just right for this moment.  
  
Charles can see that Billy’s almost on his way to be overwhelmed and he backs off a little.  
  
”Shall I get the tea?”  
”Yes, please.”  
  
Billy’s eyes when he knows that Charles knows, when words aren’t necessairy and he can have his space, is a sight that sometimes threatens to make Charles cry. He doesn’t bother dressing, just get the cups and look at the clock in the kitchen. They have lots of time still for whatever Billy’s comfortable with. Charles doesn’t feel like he’s standing back for him, rather that he’s a guest in Billy’s world, happy to have the honour of being invited.  
  
Tea and a movie on Charles laptop is perfect to calm down, leaving room for no talk if that’s what’s needed now and it is. Billy still wants to be close. He’s letting Charles lean back on his chest and Charles can hear his heartbeats against his skin. They get a movie going – No Country For Old Men – and soon Charles can feel Billy crying in his hair. It doesn’t bother him in the least, quite the contrary. He’s learned when to leave his boyfriend alone even if their skin are touching. Tears aint something to panic about and he also knows now how much Billy truly hates to feel things this strongly. How exhausted it makes him, even with therapy, meds and an understanding boyfriend. Being allowed to sit like this is making Charles flushed with happiness and he’s dwelling in the moment, letting himself take in all the sweet sensations of Billy’s skin, heat and heartbeats.  
  
He’s never liked cuddles. Not with anyone. Not before this. But Billy fits so naturally with him, like a second part of his body. With him, Charles knows he’ll always have the right to pull back without being questioned. Billy thinks it’s he who’s the strange one, but sometimes Charles feels it’s quite the opposite. Billy’s carefulness and patience should be the natural way. And being close with him is much more intimate than ever with Eleanor.  
  
”Don’t want to go back there.”  
  
Billy’s voice is thick and pleading and it makes Charles’ heart ache. The clock is only half past one and they still have some hours, but the time limit, knowing they still can’t spend the night together and the reason why is painful to both of them. Charles nuzzles Billy’s neck.  
  
”Don’t want you to either, honey. But I want you to get well and… I have to admit I feel safe knowing you’re not alone when I can’t be around.”  
”You don’t trust me?”  
”Of course I trust you, I just don’t like the idea of you feeling bad while being alone. I don’t ever want my babe to get stuck in that kind of silence again.”  
  
_My_ babe. Really? Charles doesn’t know why he said that. Like with so many other things, endearments he’s never used much with anyone, seem to come naturally with Billy, but he’s also keenly aware of that things easily can become too much for his boyfriend. But this is not of of those moments. Billy’s pulling him closer, arms tucking Charles in and he buries his nose in Charles’ hair.  
  
”It’s so strange, Charles…”  
”What?”  
”With you.”  
”Strange in what way?”  
”That it seems so… natural. I’ve never been this close with anyone before, never talked this much and still it’s never been so easy to just stay silent.”  
”Yeah… It may sound silly but I kinda’ feel like I’m more comfortable with you than with anyone else, no matter if we’re talking or not. I don’t really know why, and I’m still a bit worried I’ll scare you off, but…”  
”Don’t be. I’ll never run further away than for you to catch up on me.”


End file.
